Personal Entry

     I've been doing a lot of paradox thinking lately while  trying to remain optimistic and vigorous in my work and lifestyle. It's not that I'm faced with something as fantastic as cancer, but everyday I'm faced with new challenges and everyday I think of how I survived cancer and how I can thwart any obstacle if I put enough effort into it. So, I look back in revery of my history with cancer and I look at myself today. I can see the growth, the unique ambition I have. I also have a compassionate personality that I feel is exorbitant and can get me into trouble sometimes haha, but it's well worth the cause. It's taking time, but I'm beginning to see the good in the bad.


Sometimes that's just the hardest thing to do, to see the good in something as bad as having cancer, but like a bad joke or prank, after many years, it's something I can look back on and identify. It's been two years since I've taken chemotherapy. Two years it has taken for me to start looking back and now that I have, I'm a lot happier for it.

It's a strange feeling, almost transcendant, to be looking upon the life of sick child in memory, even if that was me, but to see what I've done since, where I am today, and all my capabilities and opportunites.

This entry was going to be on taking advantage of having cancer and how to, but I guess the idea was too unorthodox to even try without first demonstrating it's validity in myself. I mean, if someone told me this when I was diagnosed without some good personal stories, I would replied in a way that denotes this guy is crazy and doesn't know anything. haha  And here I am trying to tell you mine.

In my freshman year of college, I won one scholarship award. It was a small award that was given to a large number of people, so it wasn't the most meritable, but nonetheless, it was great. My topic was my story of how I had cancer and wanted to return to school within a page's length. I didn't think it then, but there's no way to effectively deliver that concept in just one page! No way. Being two years without any schooling, I wasn't exactly the best essay writer either. I never have been, I appreciate math, science, and the arts more (which is pretty much everything but writing haha).

Even though my past experiences were depressing and morose to explain on paper, I followed through with what helped me through my treatments and having end goals that included a higher education. I wanted more for myself. And that drive was instantly rewarded.

Without cancer, I wouldn't have had that scholarship. I wouldn't have paid for school that year. I had a hard time covering health insurance alone.

This is one example. There are more. Trust me.

One thing I know for sure, is that without cancer, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I don't know who I would be, but whoever he is, I wouldn't like him as much as I like me now.

It's because writing all these essays that I have been identifing my strengths and gains from having had cancer. It's allowed me to spend more time to intricately dig up delicate emotions, memories, and self-discovery that I didn't know existed anymore. I'm learning a lot by stopping and asking myself, "What do I want to do in ten years?" and "Why do I deserve this scholarship?" "What do I do for other people as a community or service?" Two months ago, I wouldn't have been able to answer these questions myself, but now I have multiple essays full my ideas, thoughts, and feeling that effectively express who I am, what my goals are, and how I got to where I am today.

Maybe I'll post one or two of them in the future.

I have to say, I feel a lot better about who I am and my history with cancer now that I've explored so much that's been repressed for so long. I'm proud of myself for it. I feel more at peace.

I recommend taking the time and writing some good things about yourself. and not just five or ten minutes. Try writing a one page paper on it. If you have a personal goal, like a scholarship or article for a school paper, use it for that. It helps to have a pre-existing drive or purpose when opening up an area that may be uncomfortable, but very rewarding. So, ask yourself, What do you see yourself in ten years? How do you help out in your community? What makes you unique? Why should you be awarded a scholarship/reward?

Don't give up. Live for another day and all the days after that. One day you'll be looking back and saying how cancer made you a better person in the end.